Yeah…

Date: July 13th, 2014

It’s been awhile… I know. Tonight I crashed… hard. The last few hours I’ve been screaming and crying at my frustrations, and while it feel I may have needed it, I haven’t felt this bad about myself in months…

I didn’t work this weekend, and all plans I had fell through. Which means, I have had no human contact. The only time I’ve talked to anyone was when I was at the store, or a few brief texts I sent to a few people… It didn’t grow anywhere from a few texts after, but I’ll take what I can.

Those who may have read this blog before may very well remember my love-hate relationship with my days off, or really any time off work I may have. While the plus is that I’m not in the job at which I hate more than anything… My life shuts down completely. I come home to an empty apartment. Then I hear from no one until I go to work the next morning. If I don’t go to work the next day, then odds are, unless I initiate some form of communication, I hear nothing further still until I go back to work. That is, unless I’m needed for something. Either to be a sponge for someone needing a rant, which admittedly I’m good at, or something like answering a question. And when I do try to start a conversation for the single sake of me wanting to talk to someone… I feel like I’m bothering them, that they need to waste their attention on me rather than what they’re doing. (More than likely I’m not, I’m just stupid like that.)

I spent the weekend reorganizing my apartment. Mostly, out of desperation for something to do… Something to which I can waste the the time with. And it looks nice, I guess. Though I’m not entirely sure why I made the effort. I’m going to be the only one who will see it. I don’t have guests, though not for a lack of trying. I usually get a no, or “I can’t but we really need to hang out!” Of course I hear that and then I’ll never hear it from the other person again unless I bring it up to get the same answer.

It doesn’t feel like a home to me. It’s just place I waste time at when I’m not at work. The effort I put in trying to put on a happy facade in hopes that my outlook would permanently change has backfired… big time. At this moment, I’m more depressed and lonely than ever.

Part of this, however, is not of my fault. I started talking to two guys I met online. Both of them close by, both of them very near my age, and for the major part of the last few weeks, we were talking nearly every day, all day. Then… They both just vanished. I get no replies to texts. They dropped me off Facebook. Their dating profiles are gone. It’s not merely the fact they stopped talking to me… it’s the lack of explanation. I’d be lying if I haven’t said I’ve been through this before. This, in fact, is how most of it goes for me. As I mentioned in an early post, I could go six months to a full year between (first) dates, and I normally don’t get a second.

I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I know it’s got to be me. I’m pleasant, I’m courteous, and I try to be charming and funny… But it doesn’t get me anywhere. I can’t, and I refuse, to change who I am so I can meet someone. And deep inside… I know that for each day that passes, the chance for me to meet that one guy shrinks. If it’s one thing I fear the most, I fear that I will die alone, bitter, and unloved.

The other reason for this crash… Is I didn’t get the job I applied for. New suit, great interview, people on the inside giving me great references… and then there was a corporate hiring freeze across the board… and everything I’ve done has been for nothing. I’m stuck in a job that I absolutely despise. A job that eats away at me. A job that, at the end of the day, I can’t wait to leave so I don’t have to see it again. Of course me leaving to the place I call “home” doesn’t help things either.

I want to talk to my friends, but I feel like I can’t. I feel like I shouldn’t. Why should I make them carry my own problems when they have theirs?Sure, they know something’s wrong when I’m at work. But I can easily disguise it with the old “I’m pissed off at my job” excuse or the “I’m really busy” defense, and they’ll understand and leave it at that.

I don’t know that how many of them could actually understand how actually lonely I feel. How the weight of it all just crushes me down and leaves me limping… metaphorically. Three of my good friends are married, another one is engaged, and the remaining are in long-term relationships.

In the movie of life, I’m no more than the overweight sidekick to the main cast. I don’t get many lines, and most of what I do is to make the people around me look better. Sure, I can try to get the starring roles, but I’ll never get by the auditions. All in all, it seems I will just be left unwanted, and relegated to the background of all the other people. And when the credits to the movie of life rolls, I will die alone and forgotten.

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The Waiting Game…

Date: June 11th, 2014
Music to Write to: “Aria De Mezzo Carattere” by Nobuo Uematsu

The song I’m listening to now… Is the song I’ve always imagined being played when I finally propose to the man of my dreams. I’ve dreamed often of this moment in my sleep, and that’s the song I’ve always heard in the background. This version is from the Grande Finale: Final Fantasy VI album, and if you get the chance to hear it, you will not be disappointed. It is a wonderfully beautiful piece, something that I hope will come true eventually.

As for what I’m waiting for, other than the guy to call my own, is information on the job offer. I still haven’t heard back which is a bad sign. It’s the worst part about waiting for a job is simply just waiting to the answer. The rejection pain will go away soon enough, but it’s the dread of waiting and waiting for the answer that I hate so much. I really don’t have much else to say tonight… Sayounara.

Momentary Serenity…

Date: June 8th, 2014
Music to Write to: “Ending Theme” by Nobuo Uematsu

This is going to be a quick one. I’m tired, and I don’t want to get into the whole moving thing today. I feel accomplished today. After nearly two days of struggling to burst through this writer’s block, I am happy to report I did so and with great results. My draft of my fourth book has been completed, and all that needs done now is the tweaking. I’m excited!

So…

Date: June 7th, 2014
Music to Write to: “Hot-Head Bop” by Pixelation Symphony

Yeah, I just totally made a reference to my own secret project, one which will have its reveal in the coming weeks. That and my next book is due out. I think I finally made it past my writer’s block, and can finally move on. It was a doozy, but I’m ready to end this saga, and start work on the next one. It’s amazing how much my brain thinks up ideas. I have probably six or seven sitting up there waiting to be put on the page. I suppose it’s a good thing, but it’s getting a little crowded.

Only about two more days until I find out if I got the job. Part of me thinks I’m a shoe-in, the other part thinks yet again I’m going to get passed up for someone else. There’s only one way to find out, and sadly it’s just to wait. Getting this job would be a monumental help in my confidence factor, finally getting out of that hell hole that is my current job.

So I mentioned in another post that I’m thinking about moving. In this post and the next post, I wanted to share with you where I was thinking about going. This time I’ll cover the Pittsburgh area.

I was born in Braddock, and my parents were both born and raised in Pittsburgh. We moved out to south-central Pennsylvania when I was about nine, which is where I truly call my home. After all, it was where I did grow up, not Pittsburgh. Currently, I’m the only one of my family not down there, and it would be nice to be able to see them all again, and be with them for Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and all that other stuff.

Moving will be difficult, though.I may have a place to stay, and that would be at with my brother and his wife, however, that would only be temporary. I’d also not have a job, meaning I’d have to get a part time job someplace down there. After all, I’m still going to have two student loans to pay.

Another good reason to go down there, the Pittsburgh area has a bigger LGBT presence. It might make dating significantly easier. I’m going to be probably near or over thirty by the time I decide to commit to a move, and it would be nice to meet the person I’m meant to be with. Moving, however, doesn’t guarantee a thing. I’ll still need to prep myself in the eventuality that I might still end up single for the rest of my days. I hope it doesn’t happen, but it’s still a rather large possibility.

The worst part about this is when I think about leaving some of the best friends I have ever known behind. They have become my family, and I would miss them dearly. And yes, while I did complain about being the babysitter, I would miss two kids who I have grown very fond of. Would they even remember me?

If I do plan to move, one of the last things I want to do is to make sure that those friends of mine get something of mine to keep. I know one person is going to get my yellow Toad (from Super Mario) stuffed toy as it is her favorite character. Another is probably going to get one of my Final Fantasy figurines. A third is going to get a memento of a day we had in an arcade her and I had. They rest… I haven’t figured that part out yet, but I will in time.

It’s a big step considering this move. And as I’ve said now, I don’t know what I’ll end up doing. Whatever it is, I’m hoping it will be the right decision.

Back to Posting…

Date: June 6th, 2014
Music to Write to: “Chrono Trigger ~ Orchestra Version” by Yasunori Masuda

It’s been awhile, and I apologize about that. I’ve had a few projects I’ve been working on and a prep for a job interview that has since taken any and all free time I’ve had. Nothing really has come out of this except a bunch of stress.

My fourth book is nearly completed, and my next three is in the planning stages. I’m going to attempt my first trilogy, with each book spanning three different generations of a single world, each part of a single story. I’m going to need to put all I’ve learned up until now into this. These will be my most ambitious works to date.

Next week coming up I have a wedding to go to, and I’ll be going alone. I’ve already been asked to watch a few kids for when the couples dance at the reception, so it looks like I’m going to be the glorified babysitter when the blissful couples take to the dance floor. I’m not looking forward to it. Next year, I’m going to have two more. (One might be this year, but I dunno if that’ll happen.) With that, I’ll be the last remaining one in my group of friends not to be in some sort of romantic pairing. Am I being petty? Probably. But it’s hard not to be when at gatherings, you’re the one who is talked to when your wife/fiance/partner is away at the moment and there’s no one else to talk to. If I’m not doing that, I’m entertaining the kids so the others can talk. (Not that they ask me to, the kids are the ones who ask me to play. What am I going to do? Sit there at the table and play with my phone all night?)

At the point in my life where I know I need a change. A major change. A new job, yes, would be a big change, but not the one I’m talking about. And I may not even get the job. I’m thinking about relocating permanently. I’ve narrowed it down to two locations, and they’re far from the place I’ve called home for the last nearly twenty-one years of my life. One place would be closer to my family, the other with some friends. Both have pros and cons, but the one thing they both offer me is a chance to move on with my life.

I have two years until my car is paid off, and with that, I will be able to move on. Two years is a long time, and many things could happen, but at the same time, two years will go by without a flash and before I know it, the car will be officially paid off. I don’t know what to do at the moment, but I have all the time I need to figure this out. It’s not that I don’t like the area I’m in, I really do. And the friends I have… they are my family. I would miss them greatly. I just need to think everything out before I go blindly into a rush. All I know is… I don’t want to be lonely anymore.

Two Things I Will Never Forget…

Date: May 26th, 2014
Music to Write to: “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” by The Glee Cast

Following the depressing rant I wrote around midnight this morning, I wanted today’s official post to be a bit happier. I want to share with you two incredible moments I had with two of my previous relationships. These are two things that I’ll never forget.

“The Heartbeat of Another”
My first true relationship was with “J.” He was an amazing man. Handsome, smart, talented, and he was the first person to make me feel attractive. One night, I spent the night, and it was after I had worked a longer shift, and I was very tired. We watched a few movies as we snuggled shirtless in his bed. I was falling asleep, but I didn’t want to, I was afraid I would have made him angry since it was a movie he really wanted me to see. Before the movie, we stretched a moment, and when we laid back down, I placed my head on his chest. I heard his heartbeat. I was so comfy there, and despite my best efforts, I fell asleep, his arms around me. When I woke up, it was the next morning, around 8 AM. Here he didn’t move, his arms still around me, and he in  what looked like a slightly uncomfortable position. As I stirred so did he.

He reached up and stroked my cheek. “Did you sleep well, sweetie?”

I smiled, and I gave him a quick kiss. “I did, but you didn’t look so comfortable…”

He smiled back, and what he said next is permanently etched into my memory. “You looked so peaceful, so handsome, and so comfy once you fell asleep, I didn’t have the heart to move. I didn’t even watch the movie, I just held you, and watched you sleep until I drifted off myself. I never felt so incredible, with you holding me as you slept.”

All I could do was smile as a tear ran down my cheek.

 

“Mistaken Present”
This happened this past Christmas. If you read my previous post, you’ve already learned my extreme dislike of the holiday. This was the first time that I’ve exchanged presents with someone else in my own home in years. It still wasn’t on Christmas, and it didn’t involve a tree, but it still was nice that this year I had something to look forward to. His will be known as “B.”

I didn’t have a lot of money to spend. I had to be creative when I thought of his gifts. Using my meager skills, I crafted him three posters: A Legend of Zelda poster, a Spider-Man, poster, and a Superman poster. With it, I drew him a few pictures in a binder: an original character “Hiro” from my failed “Ninja’d” project, an Espeon, and a Mega Man. In the binder was also a few card sheets and with it a few Pokémon Trading Card Game booster packs. I tried my best, thinking of what I could give an another artsy guy… I hope he liked them, I really do.

What he gave me were two books. One was a comic that ended up really loving called “Fables” and I ate that up quickly. The other was a joke book. And I loved it. But after a moment he got quiet, and he got really nervous around me as I started to thumb through the joke book. Apparently he had taken the wrong present with him, as that was meant for his brother who was due home soon. He had another book for me, that was still at home. He was so upset over it, but I ended up laughing, me thinking it was really cute.  And then he said:

“This is why I really like you. You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I started to freak out and think you would hate me asking to take it back, and the moment you called it cute and started to laugh, my anxiety vanished.”

He then gave me a nice kiss, and we spent the night talking. He returned a few nights later to give me the real book, which happened to be the first book of “The Game of Thrones.” It’s silly, but I really enjoyed this moment. It was because he felt so bad, he thought I’d be angry, but to see him smile because I wasn’t made it what it was.

Both of these guys I still miss dearly, but we have since gone our separate ways, but I will always cherish these memories. Maybe one day if the universe smiles upon me, I might have the chance to make more memories with the one I’m supposed to be with.

I Wish I Could Sleep…

Date: May 26th, 2014
Music to Write to: “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt

I can’t sleep. I have work in a few hours, and I can’t fall asleep. Why can’t I turn off my mind in order to fall asleep? I’m thinking about everything but the things I need to think about. I’m trying to get rid of as much of this negativity I can, but I seem to can’t tonight.

I’ve been so lonely the past few nights. An empty apartment that still doesn’t feel like home, even after the work I put into it. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to keep it neat, or why I even bother wanting something like a new bookcase or more seats. I’ve lost interest in reading, and I have no visitors. I don’t need any extra seats. I’m not sure why I even unpacked my things aside from a few things…

Then again, I can’t blame anyone for not coming to visit. It’s not like I’m any fun. My interests are all over the place, and many of them are not common. Of all my friends, very few share multiple interests of mine. And they all have families of their own that take priority… I don’t. Probably never will.

Speaking of families, I’m watching the people around me move on with their lives. I’m going to have several weddings coming up. Each one, I’ll be going alone. I’m not looking forward to it. Myself on the other hand, I’m just in Limbo. I feel stuck.

I watch shows on TV like The Big Bang Theory and I see people in apartment buildings greeting new people and striking friendships or more… There are three or four in my part of my building alone, and I’ve only seen one person once.

Other shows like Mahou Sentai Magiranger or Modern Family all tout the bond of a large, close family. As much as I love my family, I’m not close with them. My entire family lives in Pittsburgh. Not one of them wants to come up here. I have to go there. My friends are a surrogate family, but at times… I wish I had more siblings or a better bond with my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, however, I’m just so different from my family… When I see those shows go on about being a bond, and the traditions of like a yearly family photo or Thanksgiving and Christmas things… I get jealous…

And it’s worse on holidays. Because while everyone is enjoying their time with their loved ones, with a grand meal and passing on traditions, I’m here just working, then going to and eating hot dogs, trying as hard as I can to forget what day it is and pretend like it doesn’t matter and it doesn’t bother me.  I want to put up a tree. But who’s going to see it aside from me? Do I put a present under the tree from myself to myself so I open it on Christmas morning? Do I buy a turkey TV dinner and pretend to carve it so it feels like I have a semblance of something meaningful on a day that’s supposed to have some meaning?

It feels like I’m broken. That somehow, the problem I’m having finding meaningful relationships and general inner peace and happiness is because there’s something wrong with me. I am hoping this is just another bump on my way to self-fulfilled happiness. I don’t want to feel this way anymore… And right now… I just want to go to sleep…

An End to a Remarkable Friendship…

Date: May 25th, 2014
Music to Write to: “Revealed Truth” by Nobuo Uematsu

Today was an interesting day. I had to change my phone number due to the fact someone’s been sending me a ton of harassing text messages through the night and then most of the afternoon. I kept my composure, and I did not fire back… as much as I wanted to. I don’t understand people. A week ago we were good friends… then one day he explodes in a rage and takes it out on me. Harsh things were said… Things he can’t take back. Upset or not, they were words that should have not been said.

But, I will not dwell on it. It’s a sad thing, yes, but in the long run, I’ll be better without him. People who are that toxic to me do not belong in my life. Besides, when I have a friend who said he wanted to fly over here just to punch him in the face and yell at him so in my place, it made the day alright.

If anything I suppose it has made me want to get myself in order even more now, so maybe one day he can see that I rose above his words and his actions and he will see that he was the fool in all of this.

We have such a history together… We met in college, a graphic artist in training like me. Many common interests, and even played Final Fantasy XI with me for years. We went on after we graduated and got closer. The day I came out to him was hard. At first he didn’t believe me, which was a sorta theme with this and me, but he accepted it. But… I guess he really didn’t. I don’t have much more to say today other than I’m disappointed  in ended in the way it did. I hope you find peace, because what you have done has ruined our friendship, and if I forgive you, it will not be for a very, very long time.

Regrets…

Date: May 24th, 2014
Music to Write to: “Away from the Sun” by 3 Doors Down

There is a quote I often think about. “A man’s past can bind him as surely as irons.” Everyone has regrets, do they not? Today went pretty well, up until the point I left work. I made the choice to hook up with someone, and now I’ve become mired in regret. The guy, let’s call him “C,” was a nice guy. We had talked for a day or two, and we wanted to meet up. Apparently, he wanted more than I wanted to give, and I had to be a little harsh in order to make him understand this.

He wanted to dive right into a relationship, even though the moment I started talking to him I was clear about what I wanted. As the afternoon progressed, it soon became clear he was going to pressure me for more. I had to break it off, and the only way I could think of to do it was to be as blunt as possible. I’ve only had to reject a small number of guys before in my lifetime, I am thankful for that, however, those rare times I’ve always done it gently.

This time, I felt more force was needed, and I had to lay down the law, and I promptly left. Since them my phone has been exploding with texts from the guy, profusely apologizing for this error, and wanting to start over. He tells me that he knows I’m the one. He tells me I’m his “forever man.” There was no spark. He’s attractive, yes, but there’s no feelings for him. I don’t know what to do. I now know this was a mistake. I realize now I should have followed my instincts and not done this.

Though at the same time, I needed the release. I have to sometimes as much as half a year between sexual encounters, even more between honest to goodness dates at some points. I won’t lie… the release of the tension felt nice, but I regret this. Completely. All night I’ve been beating myself up for all of this, and I probably hurt someone tonight. Even if I think he might have deserved it, as I said, I was clear with my intentions from the beginning, I still hate doing this to people. Not only this… I’ve been physically ill since I left his home. Tomorrow I plan on going to the doctor’s to find out what’s wrong… I never feel this way, and I’m concerned to what it is.

This whole escapade has let open the flood gates that holds memories of bad decisions. Now when there’s a free moment it’s all I think about. I just want tonight to be over.

Of Days Off and Inner Thoughts…

Date: May 23rd, 2014
Music to Write to: “Ghost Love Score” by Nightwish

Today was my day off. Sadly, I work every other weekend, and that’s this weekend. I hate my job. And when I say the word “hate,” I mean there’s only a few things above my job that I hate more. I’m pretty sure there will be days when I’ll complain about it, so I’m not going to let that take over this post. Luckily, in a little over a week’s time from now, I have an interview for another position within my company. Still not doing anything that would involve my talents, but it would be a substantial improvement over where I’m at now.

My days off are a mixed blessing. On the bright side, I don’t work. And trust me, that’s a big bright side. I also get the time to catch up on some TV, currently I’m watching Tokusou Sentai Dekaranger. But the big thing I get to do on my days off is work on my many projects, with my fourth book being the dominate project. I’m nearing the end, and I can’t wait for me to get everything done and it out.

The not so bright side is the fact that I’m always alone on my days off. Now, this isn’t always a bad thing. But on many days, I wish I could have a visitor or someone to talk to outside of the digital universe. (I’ve been here almost a year now, and I can count the number of visitors I had here on one hand.) Anytime I’m home, it’s just me with my thoughts echoing in an unending chorus. And sometimes, those same thoughts are toxic and damning. Have you heard the phrase being your own worst enemy? I am not just my own worst enemy, I could compare those thoughts sometimes to being an unruly assassin. The come swiftly, and tear me down like I’m nothing, leaving me only to rot in despair. I’m extremely harsh on myself, especially when it comes to my work or my love life.

I will see guys I find attractive, and the first thing I’ll say to myself is “Even if he WAS gay, he wouldn’t like me.” It’s true in my area, the only way I’ll really ever find any means of a date is through online dating and dating apps, or if I go to a bar. I highly dislike them both. I hate bars, and people online are rude, and that’s even if they give you more than a one word response, or a response at all. Allow me to provide an example:

Me: <thoughtful introductory message which gives my name, common interests, a question about something that was written in the other persons profile, and a final thought saying I would like to talk to the guy, as I find him interesting>

Usual Responses: “thx,” “lol,” “ok,” <silence>

Why is it like this? I don’t know. Usually the only ones any more who DO contact me are people old enough to be my father or grandfather, and despite me clearing stating my dating range in the profile, and me gently saying “thanks, but no thanks,” more often than not, that ends up pissing them off. My area makes it so difficult to get any kind of date with substance, and it makes it even worse if you do not have a body like Channing Tatum.

But… this is why I’m doing the whole self improvement thing. I’ve come to realize that there’s bound to be a large chance that I’m never going to find that partner in crime that I want. So… I need to make sure I can make it on my own. I need to make sure I’m happy without that romantic partner in my life. I’m always told that the one person for anyone is out there, so as long as I have that little bit of faith, and I’m inclined to agree, however, if I’m stuck here I’m not going to find him.

It is why I turn to my writing. It is a way for me to relax and unwind. (This blog, however, is for me to dump anything else left over I can’t feed to that monster.) Over the last two years, I’ve come into a rebirth of the craft, and in (soon to be) four books, I’ve seen my ability to weave a compelling tale with the written word improve with each new project I take on. When I last moved, I found some old things that my mom had given me from when I was in grade school. They were none other than stories and books I had done over the years for various school projects. Considering what I’m able to turn out now, I’ve become convinced above all else in life, that I was born to become a storyteller.

I doubt nothing that I write will ever become the next big thing, and I know that what I write will not bring me any financial freedom, but that’s okay. It’s become humbling when I realized that people who have read what I’ve written have told me what I have done was fantastic. The person proofreading my current draft, aside from fixing issues, asks me when the next part is finished simply because he can’t wait to get to the next part. I still cannot believe it. He, like my other good friends, inspire me. They make me want to try something new and something challenging so that I may reach the next plateau. They are just are just as important to my writing. They are my muses. They are my biggest fans. If they read this, know I thank you every day for what you are able to give me, both on the page and in my life.