Date: July 13th, 2014
It’s been awhile… I know. Tonight I crashed… hard. The last few hours I’ve been screaming and crying at my frustrations, and while it feel I may have needed it, I haven’t felt this bad about myself in months…
I didn’t work this weekend, and all plans I had fell through. Which means, I have had no human contact. The only time I’ve talked to anyone was when I was at the store, or a few brief texts I sent to a few people… It didn’t grow anywhere from a few texts after, but I’ll take what I can.
Those who may have read this blog before may very well remember my love-hate relationship with my days off, or really any time off work I may have. While the plus is that I’m not in the job at which I hate more than anything… My life shuts down completely. I come home to an empty apartment. Then I hear from no one until I go to work the next morning. If I don’t go to work the next day, then odds are, unless I initiate some form of communication, I hear nothing further still until I go back to work. That is, unless I’m needed for something. Either to be a sponge for someone needing a rant, which admittedly I’m good at, or something like answering a question. And when I do try to start a conversation for the single sake of me wanting to talk to someone… I feel like I’m bothering them, that they need to waste their attention on me rather than what they’re doing. (More than likely I’m not, I’m just stupid like that.)
I spent the weekend reorganizing my apartment. Mostly, out of desperation for something to do… Something to which I can waste the the time with. And it looks nice, I guess. Though I’m not entirely sure why I made the effort. I’m going to be the only one who will see it. I don’t have guests, though not for a lack of trying. I usually get a no, or “I can’t but we really need to hang out!” Of course I hear that and then I’ll never hear it from the other person again unless I bring it up to get the same answer.
It doesn’t feel like a home to me. It’s just place I waste time at when I’m not at work. The effort I put in trying to put on a happy facade in hopes that my outlook would permanently change has backfired… big time. At this moment, I’m more depressed and lonely than ever.
Part of this, however, is not of my fault. I started talking to two guys I met online. Both of them close by, both of them very near my age, and for the major part of the last few weeks, we were talking nearly every day, all day. Then… They both just vanished. I get no replies to texts. They dropped me off Facebook. Their dating profiles are gone. It’s not merely the fact they stopped talking to me… it’s the lack of explanation. I’d be lying if I haven’t said I’ve been through this before. This, in fact, is how most of it goes for me. As I mentioned in an early post, I could go six months to a full year between (first) dates, and I normally don’t get a second.
I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I know it’s got to be me. I’m pleasant, I’m courteous, and I try to be charming and funny… But it doesn’t get me anywhere. I can’t, and I refuse, to change who I am so I can meet someone. And deep inside… I know that for each day that passes, the chance for me to meet that one guy shrinks. If it’s one thing I fear the most, I fear that I will die alone, bitter, and unloved.
The other reason for this crash… Is I didn’t get the job I applied for. New suit, great interview, people on the inside giving me great references… and then there was a corporate hiring freeze across the board… and everything I’ve done has been for nothing. I’m stuck in a job that I absolutely despise. A job that eats away at me. A job that, at the end of the day, I can’t wait to leave so I don’t have to see it again. Of course me leaving to the place I call “home” doesn’t help things either.
I want to talk to my friends, but I feel like I can’t. I feel like I shouldn’t. Why should I make them carry my own problems when they have theirs?Sure, they know something’s wrong when I’m at work. But I can easily disguise it with the old “I’m pissed off at my job” excuse or the “I’m really busy” defense, and they’ll understand and leave it at that.
I don’t know that how many of them could actually understand how actually lonely I feel. How the weight of it all just crushes me down and leaves me limping… metaphorically. Three of my good friends are married, another one is engaged, and the remaining are in long-term relationships.
In the movie of life, I’m no more than the overweight sidekick to the main cast. I don’t get many lines, and most of what I do is to make the people around me look better. Sure, I can try to get the starring roles, but I’ll never get by the auditions. All in all, it seems I will just be left unwanted, and relegated to the background of all the other people. And when the credits to the movie of life rolls, I will die alone and forgotten.